The Dirty Word: Raw and Unfiltered

"Try to find love in the fact that maybe you're being given an opportunity to be introduced to yourself so that you might be able to introduce that person to someone else and maybe that was the piece you were missing all along."

- Brianna Wiest

Today I stopped resisting the urge to sit alone with my thoughts. And by that I mean deeply. I experienced a recent trigger in my life that brought me to tears and I couldn't understand why. So I packed my essentials (blanket, air pods, journal and a book) and headed to my most peaceful place- the beach. I looked at the ocean and this time didn't feel a sense of sadness like I used to. Wanting the ocean to consume me. For the first time in a long time I felt free. I felt hope, peace and grace. For the first time in a long time it felt like home again. I sat in the sand and replayed what occurred yesterday. And in that moment, I realized the sadness didn't come from the current situation. But from supressed emotions, a trigger that revealed parts of me that still needs healing.

In this moment it presented like an over reaction, in which I was embarassed and ashamed. But today I felt encouraged to sit with these emotions that revealed themselves. It was time to dig deep and understand why. I've taken the time to learn about the negative thoughts I battle on a daily basis. I either feel like I am not enough, or too much. I've learned I live in a reoccurring pattern due to a habit. In my previous relationship I would ignore the pain of our relationship not working. An illusion to pretend it's okay and cover it with sex. Falling into a false perception the dirty word is all I was good for. All that was needed. A flashback to my marriage where I always felt like the problem, like I wasn't good enough. A relationship I was in for so long where I trained myself to believe the only problem was me.

My idea of a relationship has been misinterreped by pleasure. Trying to convince myself sex is the only thing I can offer to make them stay. Offering the deepest parts of my myself to people who only care to skim the surface. Burying myself deeper into an ambush of negative thoughts- I told you you weren't enough, no one cares to stay. A vicious cycle to retrain my mind. I am deserving of so much more but it's hard to break the habit. Learning to understand we don't align and walking away.

I want meaningful connections. I want to thoroughly enjoy someone's presence. I want to find peace in their company. And I know I never want to question if I am enough. The truth is I want a relationship but I'm not ready for one. I am searching for someone to validate my worth when I need to whole heartedly believe it myself. No amount of sex or company is going to validate that emotion. I have to sit in silence and understand myself because no one is going to do it for me.